How to Win the Breakup

POSTED BY: Bowzer

The story is always the same when you meet the most amazing girl in the world. She walked in the room, and even though just looking at how beautiful she was made you nervous, you knew you had to talk to her. Three drinks and an hour later, it slowly dawns on you that this angel with the aqua blue eyes and the incredible smile is actually digging you. And not in that “I’m wasted, and I’m clearly going to fuck you” kind of way, either. I’m talking about an immediate connection that is electric, full of hope and fear and dizziness and excitement in such a way that you know your life will never be the same. This is how meeting a future girlfriend works; she will always feel like the most amazing girl in the world. Even though it ends up being wrong every time (so far), part of being a human being is accepting the illusion.

Inevitably you start dating, and everything is just dandy. Bar attendance plummets, odds of watching “Grey’s Anatomy” increase exponentially, and your friends will grow increasingly worried about who is really in possession of your balls. You and the girl will spend outrageous amounts of time watching movies, constantly hearing about her period, going out to eat, driving her around, listening to the minute details of every one of her godforsaken days, and just generally being completely up each others asses. Every relationship has its apex, it’s only sad that we never get to recognize and appreciate it until the slope of our love curve changes to negative. Whether your relationship ends suddenly, or whether it dies a slow and painful death, the end result is the same: BREAKUP.

Now you could try to be a mature person about the breakup, but we all know how completely unrealistic that is. Look at it this way: was the Soviet Union still cool with the Nazis after Hitler broke their peace treaty and attacked the Russians? Hell no, the breaking of a treaty (or a long-term relationship) clearly means war. After the breakup has commenced, any remaining loyalties should be considered useless. If love is a battlefield, then the breakup is the decisive battle, motherfucker (Samuel Jackson voice). Here’s how to win it:

• Initiate the Breakup: This will be the first skirmish of the long breakup war. Obviously, if things are going poorly in the relationship and there’s no salvaging it, you need to be the one to initiate the breakup. This immediately puts you in a very advantageous position when trying to win this bitter contest. If you were the one to get dumped, don’t worry, victory is not lost, you will just have to run tight breakup game to recover your position. When getting dumped, act disappointed, but not wounded. Make her feel sorry without being pathetic in any way. When you see her getting emotional and she starts crying, suddenly start emphasizing how excited you are about “starting a new chapter in your life with so many opportunities”. Executing the “this is actually a good thing” ambush once the inevitable tears flow just might salvage you some breakup points.

• Cut Off All Direct Contact: This is such a key facet of winning the breakup. Any direct communication with the ex will weaken you in her eyes. If you are going to talk to her, wait until she calls/texts you, and ignore at least one of them before responding. There is nothing more powerful than insisting that she can have no part of you whatsoever. You will have to take the necessary precautions of deleting her number out of your phone and removing (not blocking) her from your buddy list. One or two drunk texts is all it takes to be declared the loser of a breakup. Don’t worry about losing her number forever…if you completely ignore her, she WILL call you.

• Use Facebook as a Weapon: The use of facebook to supplement your game is one of the social networking site’s well known benefits. The site is even more effective, however, in gaining precious breakup points. First, change your settings so that even when you sneeze it will be shown in the news feed. Your goal over the next month or so is to tag yourself in as many photos with girls as humanly possible. Make sure to comment on the photos in ambiguously sexual ways too for bonus points. Example: “Wow, after those shots things got crrrrrrazy that night ” You will also need to start some wall dialogue with girls she doesn’t know very well. Facebook is a double edged sword, however, so be careful. It’s going to be painful seeing all of the horny ass dudes who will start hitting her up because they know she’s single now. No one said that winning the breakup would be easy.

• Lobby for the Mutual Friends: If you have dated long enough, there will inevitably be at least a small group of mutual friends that actually tolerated you and your girlfriend’s nauseating games of grab ass or “I love you more”.  You will have to strike quickly to get these people on your side. They will pretend that they aren’t going to take sides, and that is certainly the angle that you will project onto them. But deep down, we all know that when the dust of the breakup has settled, the friends must choose. Delicately feed them propoganda about how she used to talk shit about them. Since being someone’s friend essentially means you just talk less shit about them, you should be able to pull some ripe quote your ex made in the past. When she loses friends because she broke up with you, that is a major point boost to your breakup score.

• Bang a New Girl(s): Nothing will score you more breakup points than this tactic, albeit if the timing and execution is perfect. First, we aren’t talking about getting a new girlfriend. Doing so off of a fresh breakup really only exudes desperation, and will make her feel more vindicated about her new found life without you. But if you casually date one or more girls, and are able to rub it in her face when you run into her at the bar (with class, of course), your odds of winning the breakup will soar. It’s interesting how quickly you can get over somebody you loved so much when someone new comes along. But Jesus Christ you better be the first one to do this, because if she beats you to this punch, it’s going to be a tough blow.

• Secure Any Possessions That Were Once Deemed “Shared”: To be honest with you, I just threw this one in here because I’m bitter about losing Guitar Hero III (we’re talking guitar and game) in a breakup. God, I lost so many breakup points over that shit.

Winning the breakup is not about being a total dick to your ex. To truly win a breakup, yes, you need to score points in a manipulative fashion, but you also have to do it with the appearance of class. Greeting your ex with a smile on your face when you run into them, even when it hurts more than anything, is essential to winning the breakup. I know a lot of you are probably wondering: how do you know when you finally win the breakup? The goal is to look like you are having the time of your life without her, while hiding that you’re being an asshole about it. Once you do that, and once you really believe it, and you accomplish all of this before she does, then you have won the breakup.

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