Confessions of a Schoolteacher


(Note: This is a post I originally wrote for cVillain, but I thought I would throw it up here for those that haven’t read it yet. To read the other articles I posted there, click here.)

Teaching Survival Pack

Teacher's Survival Pack

Summertime is in full swing, and public school teachers around the country are rejoicing. It is the time of year when we finally look back at the nine and a half months of blood, sweat, and tears, and realize that it was totally worth it. While older teachers have families to attend to during the summer, a younger teacher like myself truly gets to live it up. While my friends have to get up early and go to work on these beautiful summer days, I get to sleep in and do pretty much whatever I want. Many of my friends seem to think that it is unfair that I get paid to do nothing for an entire summer. This is because they don’t quite understand what teachers have to put up with during the school year to earn their time off. While most teachers I know (myself included) love what they do for a living, there are always a few students that will drive even the most composed teacher nuts:

The Kid Who Always Asks To Use the Bathroom: I am a teacher, and because of that I am equipped with a built-in lie detecting device in my brain. I can tell the difference between a kid who actually needs to go, and a kid that doesn’t. If you’re asking me twice a day, every day, it isn’t any easier to fool me, buddy. This isn’t the Lotto…more plays does not increase your chance of winning the bathroom pass game.

The “Last Word” Kid: I am a teacher with a lot of patience. If you don’t have a lot of patience, then you are in the wrong line of work. But I cannot stand “last word” kid. This student usually makes an appearance with the infamous, “I wasn’t talking” line, and then escalates it into some fiery soliloquy about the injustice of such a bold accusation. Just say you’re sorry and I’ll be glad to skip the impassioned debate, thank you very much.

Disgusting PDA Couple in the Hallway: Ew! I know you just discovered the birds and the bees and such, but, ew. I would say “get a room” except that you’re FOURTEEN YEARS OLD. Break it up and get to class, there will be plenty of time in your future for being intimate with lots of people around to watch, it’s called porno.

Smelly Kid: Oh god, this one might be one of the worst. I teach kids, and kids can be smelly, especially when they just get back from gym class. I accept that and it doesn’t usually bother me. But there’s always that one student that strikes fear in the heart of every teacher in a windowless classroom with broken air conditioning on a hot spring afternoon. If there was a live-action motion picture of Charlie Brown, this kid would land the role of Pigpen without an audition.

No Homework But Always Has An Excuse Kid: Remembering that we have built-in lie detector devices, teachers can always tell if your excuse is legit. I would rather a student be honest with me and say they don’t have anything than to use the same lame excuse. “I left it at home” works like maybe twice, at least offer some variety to the bullshit you are feeding me on a consistent basis.

Please keep in mind that there are only a small number of kids that drive me crazy. The vast majority of my students are wonderful children that never fail to remind me of why I chose this profession. I’ll be honest, teachers actually miss their students a little bit over the summer. Even “last word” kid. )



6 responses to “Confessions of a Schoolteacher

  1. Very funny. What about the nose picker who never has a tissue and disposes of it in a most disgusting way? I teach kindergarten so you might not have that problem.

  2. Pingback: Confessions of a Schoolteacher |

  3. You forgot one.. but please allow me add onto the genius of this article!

    The History Channel Kid: For the most part, teachers love the content they teach. For goodness sakes, that’s probably one of the reasons for being a teacher. But no matter the subject or class, there is always THAT student, who watches more History/Discovery Channel (fill in the appropriate academic brain-spill channel) than the producers that make it. Those are the students who insist that they know more than you, just because they saw Hollywood try to explain it a 30 minute montage to all that is Ancient Rome. Sometimes, and granted not always, but sometimes, our all-nighters and lost study hours paid off so that we know more than a 14 year old.

  4. @jillie26: and THAT is why I can’t teach elementary school. thanks for your feedback!

    @wymer: i cant stand History Channel Kid either…great addition! it’s almost as if your genius is somewhat familiar to me 🙂

  5. Please do not have people believe that teachers get paid in the summer time. Many school districts (if not all) pay nothing to their teaching staff members during the time they are off. In addition many teachers, both young and old work another job in the summer to replace lost income.
    It is not just a summer of doing what you want, whenever.

  6. Kids are not bad, they taste just like chicken.

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