Why You Should Stay Single

POSTED BY: Bowzer

First let me just say that this post applies to both men and women, so any examples I give are applicable to both of the sexes. Now what I am going to discuss is a situation that everyone has found themselves in: BEING SINGLE. Some welcome it as a holy gift of liberation, others fear it like some sort of plague. No matter which side of the fence you’re on, we have all been there. Of course when it’s all said and done, most of us will end up in a traditional partnership or marriage. I like to think of being single as a continuously running clock that is counting down to zero. It is a precious, limited commodity in one’s life that should be appreciated to the fullest, while supplies last.

What I would like to discuss with you today is why you should stay single, at least for a little while, before you totally sell out and get into a serious relationship.

• You Can Still Keep Giving That Hot Bartender All Of Your Money – A recent Harvard study determined that when you get into a relationship, your attendance at the bar plummets by 43%. Even though I just completely made that up, if someone actually commissioned a study like that, they would reach a similar conclusion. “Staying in and watching a movie” will replace “the bar” as your primary source of entertainment upon entering a relationship. LAME.

• Not Having To Say “We” – Jesus Christ this one irritates the crap out of me. I know this has happened to you at some point. You call up a friend to see if they want to go out and grab a few beers at a local watering hole. Your conversation will probably look similar to this one that I had recently with a buddy of mine who is in a relationship:

ME: Hey dude, wanna grab some beers at South Street tonight?

Dude: (pauses, obviously to ask his girlfriend) Sorry Bowzer, WE are aren’t going out tonight.

I asked YOU if you wanted to grab a beer. Not your retarded girlfriend with that fucking AWFUL accent.

• You Are Still Allowed To Have Friends Of The Opposite Sex – On the rare occassion that you do make it out of your little love den and venture out on the drinking scene with your girlfriend, you will get into a fight about 33% of the time. Why? Usually because of alcohol and for breaking one of the relationship commandments: no more chatting it up with a member of the opposite sex. Any guy eight pints down with a girlfriend will give “some dude” no more than 5-10 minutes of talking to his chick before getting drealous. That’s right, I just made up that word. Drealous = drunk + jealous.

• You Aren’t Constantly Leaving The Room So You Can Have Your Stupid, Gay Phone Conversations – I am not really sure how girls handle or view this situation. I know with a group of guys, if you are in a relationship you WILL be made fun of each and every time you leave the room so you can talk on the phone. Hey, I understand what it’s all about, we’ve all been there, you feel the need to use that baby voice and make kissy noises into the phone or whatever. But I’m still going to make fun of you for it.

• No Chick Flicks (Or Shitty Action Flicks): This may sound obvious, but really think about the consequences of being subjected to massive amounts of chick flicks (a given in any relationship) for a second. What many guys don’t know is that when you are forced to watch enough chick flicks, you actually get brainwashed into thinking you like them. We all have that committed-relationship-friend who quietly tries to stick up for “P.S. I Love You” only to be shot down and ridiculed for the rest of the evening. The female principle of this is demonstrated by the equally as shitty action flicks that guys will force girls to sit through. Make her watch enough of those and before you know it, your girlfriend will be trained to actually like watching Rocky movies.

So I just gave you all a bunch of reasons to STAY SINGLE (and I didn’t even mention the whole “sleep with whomever the fuck you want” thing). I ask you, readers of Put Up Your Dukes, have I missed anything on this list? What are some other great reasons for staying single?

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