POSTED BY: jmuintx
This is the story of James the Pee Walrus and his hilariously awful adventures. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Well, except for the Pee Walrus. His name really was James. He was a lumbering, 260-pound, oaf of a man who lived in our freshman year dorm in college. He started off the school year as roommates with our good friend Matty, who later opted to move out of his room because of the unsanitary lifestyle to which pee walrus was accustomed.
James was the quintessential, “I’m in college but really shouldn’t be because there are too many temptations and I’m an idiot,” head case. He was always drunk, always begging for people to smoke him out, always looking for free blow, etc. etc. etc. Needless to say he lasted 2 semesters at school, and as far as I know, not many folks have heard from him since.
These are just a few accounts of the ridiculous shenanigans that this poor sap got himself into:
The Pee Keeper
James, as many young people with drinking problems do, had a problem with his urinary habits while intoxicated. It was a rather large issue for him, and not one that fit well in a close living environment with a roommate. Many times, James would come home to his dorm room, well-past inebriated, and fall asleep. At some point during the evening he would wake up and need to use the bathroom. Well, rather than getting his ass out of bed, and walking the 50 feet down the hall to the bathroom, our hero decided it would be a better idea to feel around his room in the dark for an empty bottle to use. Unfortunately, on one particular night, he grabbed one of the bottles from a Costco pack of apple juice that his roommate Matty had bought. He decided he would keep it by his bed, and used it several times. Well, when Matty returned from being away for the weekend, he sensed something had gone quite awry with his apple juice. When the Pee Walrus admitted what had happened, Matty dumped every bottle of apple juice out and punched his roommate in the face and kicked him out of his room: just one of several violent evictions that would eventually be dealt to our hero by Matty.
B&E, Pee Walrus Style:
As the Pee Walrus went on with his very short college career, it became increasingly clear that his elevator rarely went all the way to the top. Every relationship he forged, it seemed, was doomed to end in disaster. It was more of the same with his neighbors across the hall, Allen and Billy. One drunken night, our hero returned from a typical night of drinking, doing drugs, and otherwise just being an idiot. However, this was an evening that became rather atypical indeed. As he approached his room, something misfired in his head, causing him to take a right, instead of a left. When the door wouldn’t open (because it wasn’t his room), he just broke it down. Simple enough, but then the mayhem began. Like a tranquilized circus bear, the Pee Walrus laid havoc to Allen’s and Billy’s room, turning over dressers, flipping mattresses, smashing lamps, destroying books and other personal property. Eventually, he made his way to Billy’s laptop, opened it up, peed all over the key board and the replaced it in the drawer he took it from. Allegedly, he then left Allen and Billy’s room and went back to his Pee Walrus den, which, at this point, Matty had moved out of, for obvious reasons. The incidents of this night led to some legal proceedings, rendering Allen and Billy and the Pee Walrus no longer friends.
Pee Walrus: Humiliated
This tale of hilarity begins much in the same way as the other two. On one particular night, the Pee Walrus returned home, his polluted brain struggling to hang onto his own name. This was an especially trying night of making himself dumber, so he decided before retiring to make his way to the bathroom to shower up.
At 6:00 that morning, Allen woke up to use the restroom, only to find the hallway on our floor flooded. He made his way to the bathroom and noticed water running out from under the door. Upon entering, a plume of steam hit him in the face and he heard the shower running. He walked to the end of the room, and knocked on the shower stall from which the steam was billowing. “Uuugh,” was the response. Allen pushed the door open, revealing a very drunk, very red, and very naked Pee Walrus sitting in the floor of the shower, leaning against the tile wall, his huge ass blocking the drain. He had been there since 2:00 a.m., burning the shit out of himself and flooding the entire building. We lived on the six floor of Eagle Hall, so between the hours of 2 and 6, the water ran throughout our level, down the elevator shafts and stairways, eventually reaching the ground floor and pooling up outside the laundry room. It was quite a proud day for our hero.
The Last Hoorah: Pee Walrus Strikes Again
Now we all remember Matty, the unlucky recipient of the Pee Walrus as a random roommate at our beloved alma mater. Well due to extenuating circumstances involving the Pee Walrus and his antics, Matty relocated across campus for the last few months of our freshman year. Things were going well for Matty, now free from the drunken clutches of our hero. His grades were good, and he had become friends with his new roommate. One fateful evening, Matty returned home from a night out with us boys. He made his way into his dormitory building and up the stairs to his hallway. He got to his door, pulled out his key and grabbed the knob, but to his surprise the door was open. He slowly opened the door and glanced at his bed, which was occupied by some large, heaving, snoring blob of a man. He then dashed for the light, turned it on and revealed the Pee Walrus, passed out on his bed, the mattress ruined with urine. Matty, enraged, grabbed the sleeping Pee Walrus, punched him in the face a few times, pushed him out into the hallway, and locked the door to his room. The Pee Walrus stood outside the room, confused and drunk, and began sobbing. Matty, sat by the door and waited for the Walrus to leave. Eventually the drunken, fat crying ceased, and Matty fell asleep in his roommate’s bed, who thankfully was out of town for the weekend.
In the morning, the Pee Walrus was gone.
That was the last anyone heard of our hero. A few weeks later we all went away for summer vacation, excited about the coming fall when we would all move into our first apartments. The Pee Walrus did not return to school for the fall term. Somewhere between peeing his pants everyday and destroying any chance of friendship with his ridiculous drunken escapades, it became clear that college was just not for him. Now, years later, I’m sure we all feel a sense of sympathy for our hero. But goddamn, he was a funny bastard. And I’m certainly glad he wasn’t my roommate.