Every Girl’s AIM Profile Is Exactly The Same

POSTED BY: Bowzer

The AIM profile is a dying art. In this day and age of facebook and myspace, there isn’t much of an incentive to invest all kinds of time in creating a unique AIM profile. I try to keep mine short and sweet: the link to my blog, list of sports teams I support, where I went to school, and a little shout out to where I live. I would say my AIM profile is pretty typical of most other guys my age in its lack of insight into who I really am as a person. I often find that girls’ profiles on AIM, on the other hand, seem to make a more concerted effort at individuality. The sad truth to the matter, however, is that every girl’s AIM profile is exactly the same. Be on the lookout for these indispensable elements of a woman’s AIM profile:

• Completely Unnecessary Variety of Fonts & Colors: I understand the idea that color adds variety to things. A Monet would be utter garbage in plain old black and white. But dear god, is it really necessary to have no less than six different font colors to prove your “creativity”? (Sidebar: it is a rule that girls have to change the default font style for chatting. I dare you to name me ONE guy that has done this.)

• At Least Two of These Four Quotes:

1. “Dance like no one’s watching, sing like no one’s listening…” Every single girl that has ever logged onto AIM has had this in their profile at some time or another.
2. Love Quote – If she’s single: “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best.” If she’s in a relationship: it’ll probably be some Jack Johnson line like “It’s always better when we’re together.”
3. Obligatory Sex & The City Quote – self explanatory
4. I’m a Whore or I’m Desperately Lonely Quote – If the girl is slutty, then she will have “You are only as strong as the tables you dance on, the drinks you mix, and the friends you have.” If she is lonely and desperate, this will be something like “The best way to love is to love like you’ve never been hurt.”

• Obvious Indication of Relationship Status: If a girl is committed to someone, she will list their initials usually followed by the date that they met and possibly a ❤ (bonus points for another quote from above listed here). If she is single, she will write a line about how much she “lovessssss her <insert town name> girls!”

• Blatant Stab at Her Ex That She Thinks is Discrete: The way this is presented can come in a variety of forms, and yet the results are still the same (and ever so obvious). “Never again” or “no looking back” is common, although is often trumped by the song lyrics ripped from the latest pop heartbreak ballad (Kelly Clarkson’s “Since You’ve Been Gone” works great here). Word of advice ladies: just call the motherfucker out or just accept the fact that the internet world couldn’t care less.

• Token Mention of Local Sports Team(s): This, much like the fairly widespread practice of girls watching football, is simply a tool to garner more male attention. What she thinks – “If I pretend to show interest in sports, he will want to spend even more time with me!” What he thinks – “If she likes sports, that probably means she’ll blow me without me having to stop watching the game.” Third party observers are well aware that neither of these statements are anywhere approaching the truth.

• Extensive Calendar List of “Important Events”: Going to visit that best friend from college? Don’t worry, everyone on your buddy list will know! Moving into that new apartment? Thank god I knew the exact date, I SO wanted to help you. Spring Break in Cabo? OMG, I’m sooooooooooo jealous of your impending pantie dropping marathon! Plan on shitting in a bag five months from now? Thank god, I can start planning my future around your meaningless itinerary! I’m just surprised that this hasn’t progressed to the point where girls post the date of their period in their profiles (wait, that could actually come in handy).

I don’t mean to be so harsh on all of the women out there. I’m pretty sure a very similar post could be written on the typical guy’s AIM Profile. But hey, let’s face it, this blog is pretty much here for me to complain about things that suck. For the small percentage of girls out there that don’t fall into the cookie cutter AIM profile I have described here, my hat is off to you. Although your uniqueness probably means that you aren’t very attractive, at least I actually enjoy reading your profile while I check away messages every three and a half minutes.

Just like every good teacher, after a lecture I’ll open it up for comments and Q&A. Am I missing any crucial elements of the typical girl’s AIM profile? This would also be a great time for any women out there to shed some insight on what the typical guy’s AIM profile looks like.  Typical away messages for either gender will receive extra credit and one of those awesome “Great Job” apple stickers on your paper.

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