POSTED BY: GirlTalk
Admittedly, this site is both hilarious and accurate with its in-depth perceptions of the opposite sex, but I think the time has come to put one on the board for the girls. Not in a feminist “I wish I was capable of asexual reproduction” kind of way, but more of a way to give helpful insight into what girls typically deal with on a weekend night. My friends and I have had the pleasure of being approached by the good, the bad, and the ugly while out having drinks and fun. After a few shots of <insert name of fruity concoction>, it becomes necessary to discern who exactly is buying you those drinks. Are you going to wake up at 6am and be forced to cab it home in heels and an XL frat party t-shirt, or is it a match made in diet and rum heaven? Let’s hope for the latter. After being both an active participant and an amused bystander on the social scene, I have come up with four categories of guys that will give you a reason to have your local cab company on speed dial.
The Overconfident Narcissist – You know this guy, everyone knows this guy because he makes it a point to talk about himself 92% of the time. This amount of “I” statements is generally only found in therapy sessions, yet I’m not getting paid $75/hour to listen to him extrapolate on his many glowing achievements in life. Just got a big promotion, did ya? Captain of your college lacrosse team, huh? Do some modeling on the side, really? Let me teach you a new word: overcompensation. You should go ahead and reserve that red convertible for your mid-life crisis. Maybe a mail-order bride too.
The Trust Fund Bro or Aging Philanthropist – Frequent any clubs lately? If so, you have met this guy, and you are fully aware within 5 minutes of how many cars/boats/houses/electronics he owns…wait, no, his parents own. Save your breath, Brody Jenner- I’m not remotely interested in a 20-something who brags about a playboy lifestyle that is daddy-funded. Do some respectable work and then maybe I won’t smirk in your face. For now, I’ll allow you to know your role and buy me and my friends drinks. Even worse is the senior citizen who wants to buy me shots, and then purses, and then boobs. Utilize the Viagra another day, pal.
The Muted Shy Guy – This type of guy is a mystery to me. I’m sure Maxim or Manswers informed him that having a wingman will grant him VIP access into Club Female, but unfortunately, I’m not into threesomes. Sending your seemingly cooler friend over to test the waters is never the way to go, because I will deny being fluent in English after hearing any sentence starting with “Hey, so my friend over there…” Your friend over there what? Doesn’t have balls? Doesn’t have a tongue? Call me picky, but I find those appendages to be kind of necessary, so go ahead and report back complete and utter disinterest, thanks.
The Greasy Space Invader – Oh man. This guy. You think that if you make 100% eye contact 110% of the time you’re talking to me, I will be dying to take Jagerbombs and head back to Jersey with you? Wrong- I will label you a creeper and give my friends the secret signal to get me away from you. Your seemingly casual touch on my arm or waist does not make me feel the spark of our immediate connection; it makes me want to break out my antibacterial hand sanitizer. Your whispering in my ear severely tests my gag reflex. Take the hint- I’m not backing away because I’m playing hard to get, I’m just allergic to your hair gel and teeth whitener.
And there we have it, four categories of what not to do, boys. Sorry if I wounded any egos or destroyed anyone’s game in the process, but think of this information as helpful hints. Maybe make some flashcards and review them with friends while watching UFC. Guys, if you have a different approach that is not listed above and you think it’s working for you, please do share. Gals, are there any other types of guys that you cannot stand meeting out at the bar?