Who NOT to Go Home With


PLEASE dont go home with Greasy Space Invader

PLEASE don't go home with Greasy Space Invader

Admittedly, this site is both hilarious and accurate with its in-depth perceptions of the opposite sex, but I think the time has come to put one on the board for the girls. Not in a feminist “I wish I was capable of asexual reproduction” kind of way, but more of a way to give helpful insight into what girls typically deal with on a weekend night. My friends and I have had the pleasure of being approached by the good, the bad, and the ugly while out having drinks and fun. After a few shots of <insert name of fruity concoction>, it becomes necessary to discern who exactly is buying you those drinks. Are you going to wake up at 6am and be forced to cab it home in heels and an XL frat party t-shirt, or is it a match made in diet and rum heaven? Let’s hope for the latter. After being both an active participant and an amused bystander on the social scene, I have come up with four categories of guys that will give you a reason to have your local cab company on speed dial.

The Overconfident Narcissist – You know this guy, everyone knows this guy because he makes it a point to talk about himself 92% of the time. This amount of “I” statements is generally only found in therapy sessions, yet I’m not getting paid $75/hour to listen to him extrapolate on his many glowing achievements in life. Just got a big promotion, did ya? Captain of your college lacrosse team, huh? Do some modeling on the side, really? Let me teach you a new word: overcompensation. You should go ahead and reserve that red convertible for your mid-life crisis.  Maybe a mail-order bride too.

The Trust Fund Bro or Aging Philanthropist – Frequent any clubs lately? If so, you have met this guy, and you are fully aware within 5 minutes of how many cars/boats/houses/electronics he owns…wait, no, his parents own. Save your breath, Brody Jenner- I’m not remotely interested in a 20-something who brags about a playboy lifestyle that is daddy-funded. Do some respectable work and then maybe I won’t smirk in your face. For now, I’ll allow you to know your role and buy me and my friends drinks. Even worse is the senior citizen who wants to buy me shots, and then purses, and then boobs. Utilize the Viagra another day, pal.

The Muted Shy Guy
– This type of guy is a mystery to me. I’m sure Maxim or Manswers informed him that having a wingman will grant him VIP access into Club Female, but unfortunately, I’m not into threesomes. Sending your seemingly cooler friend over to test the waters is never the way to go, because I will deny being fluent in English after hearing any sentence starting with “Hey, so my friend over there…”  Your friend over there what? Doesn’t have balls? Doesn’t have a tongue? Call me picky, but I find those appendages to be kind of necessary, so go ahead and report back complete and utter disinterest, thanks.

The Greasy Space Invader
– Oh man. This guy. You think that if you make 100% eye contact 110% of the time you’re talking to me, I will be dying to take Jagerbombs and head back to Jersey with you? Wrong- I will label you a creeper and give my friends the secret signal to get me away from you. Your seemingly casual touch on my arm or waist does not make me feel the spark of our immediate connection; it makes me want to break out my antibacterial hand sanitizer. Your whispering in my ear severely tests my gag reflex. Take the hint- I’m not backing away because I’m playing hard to get, I’m just allergic to your hair gel and teeth whitener.

And there we have it, four categories of what not to do, boys. Sorry if I wounded any egos or destroyed anyone’s game in the process, but think of this information as helpful hints. Maybe make some flashcards and review them with friends while watching UFC. Guys, if you have a different approach that is not listed above and you think it’s working for you, please do share. Gals, are there any other types of guys that you cannot stand meeting out at the bar?



22 responses to “Who NOT to Go Home With

  1. @ GirlTalk
    Let me be the first to congratulate you on an amazing first post. You are officially part of the family now!

    You finally have a playmate to talk about girl stuff with (makeup, barbies, red headed sluts, The Melting Pot, etc).

  2. Urgh. Israel is FULL of Greasy Space Invaders. They’re the dominant male figure at any club or bar here. You described them to perfection.

    I have another category though. The Original Ones. Those weird guys who have all these special and unusual pick-up lines. For instance:
    -“You’ve got ugly toes” is supposed to somehow lead to a heated discussion over the girl’s hurt feelings that will eventually lead to a dinner date to make up for any bad blood.
    -“I just happen to have this really pretty necklace in my pocket, I’d love to see how it looks on you.” The necklace is obviously extremely cheap, and unless you put out, you don’t even get to keep it.

    Awesome post, GirlTalk.

  3. GirlTalk’s post reads suspiciously similar to one of Bowzer’s…his insight into the female mind is eerie; I wouldn’t be at all surprised to find him dragging out at some dance club one Friday getting drinks from a Sticky Space Invader…

  4. …and then frosting his roots and tips and plucking his brow before posing for the picture above on Saturday…

  5. @slightlyignorant
    Maybe it’s all in the delivery or something, but I have yet to actually have a legitimate pickup line work for me. Especially one that involves discussing a woman’s toes.

    I wish I could take credit for this post, but alas, the writing is not mine. We actually got a real life girl to write on here.

  6. reguarding the “muted shy guy”. Not many girls make the first step either but I don’t think a lot of guy will lose interest over it. (and a women is less likely to get rejected.) So it’s pretty shallow to hate on a guy just cause he didn’t make the first step. Aren’t we in 2008? can’t leave it up to the men to do everything.

  7. @ some guy
    Fact: “Muted shy guy” rarely gets laid. You can’t argue with results.

  8. @ Girl Talk

    Bravo, I enjoyed it.

    That fuckin picture is all over the internet and it makes me want to cry for that guy. What a tragedy.

    Please, Mr. Oompa Loompa, please comment on this post. Everyone wants to hear you explain yourself. Maybe you should create a television documentary about your life: “When Male Glamour Shots Go Wrong.”

  9. @ Jmu –

    I’ve seen guys like that before on the net. WTF is that? I don’t even understand how they think that is remotely attractive… do girls really like that? Not I, not I.

    @ Bowz –

    Thanks for getting me an e-buddy? Lol.

    @ GirlTalk –

    So which category would you put Bowz and Jmu in? I’m guessing you know them IRL. I know which Jmu is – ever see Saving Silverman? He’s Jason Biggs.
    Get any new Barbies lately? I’m totally into Bratz. They’re so slutty.

  10. Great Post, well done.

    You have assured me that not all hope is lost….

    at least I have balls and a tongue. I’ll expand on these attributes and let everyone know what I come up with.

  11. Omg will one of you guys post a blog already? I’m tired of seeing that Greasy guy when I click “Blog Surfer”. Seriously… please?

  12. @Abby

    Your wish is my command 🙂

    Sorry for our prolonged absence…sometimes stupid real life gets in the way of our awesome internet life. We will try to stay on top of our game for you (and our other readers out there).

  13. I wouldn’t be caught out in public with that guy. You know there is something wrong with him with eye brows like that…weird.

  14. Woman, this is the funniest thing I’ve ever read! Keep up the damn good work! 🙂

  15. Hey thanks for all the nice comments, friends! Sorry for my extended absence on here, but it’s great coming back to the utter craziness that was generated by yesterday’s post 🙂

    @Abby- Bowz and jmu are in a whole other category…The Good Guys. They are quite obviously an endangered species. And no, I will not cook you dinner, Bowzer.

  16. @GirlTalk –
    Nice to know. They seem sweet enough in blog comments. Haha. Even tho Bowz thinks I’m ripe for some man to come along and hump my brains out. It’s all good. 🙂

  17. @ Bowz –

    GT won’t cook you dinner but if you ever come visit Jmu in TX, let me know and I’ll invite you guys (and Jmu’s girl) over for some good pirogi and halupki! Or hamburgers and hot dogs, whatever.

  18. @Poltical girl, Pixie
    Welcome to the party, ladies! We hope to see more of you around here. Don’t worry, we are all actually quite friendly here, despite being completely drunk and inappropriate 95% of the time.

    Welcome back! I like how I stole the crown of “drunkest person in the room” from you at your own birthday party. Please note that just because you won’t actually cook me dinner doesn’t mean that I’ll stop asking.

    Even in my hungover state, that shit sounds delicious. You keep talking like that and I just might start voting Republican.*

    *I will say anything to get a girl to make me dinner.

  19. @ Bowz –

    If cooking you dinner will get you to vote R, I will have an empty seat at my table every night for you! Lol. Besides, if you sat at my table too many times, you might change your mind on your own! I’ve been thinking about doing a blog about why I’m a Republican but .. I’m lazy..

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