Tag Archives: alcohol

The Poor Man’s Booze Review


drunk_poor_manThere I was, sitting on the couch, nursing that impending feeling of doom that every teacher experiences exactly one week before summer vacation comes to an end. After enjoying two blissful months of traveling, sleeping in, and loads of drunken debauchery, the grim prospect of returning to work felt about as enjoyable as a handjob from Edward Scissorhands. I had this epiphany of sorts that I needed to accomplish something of great magnitude in my last week off from school. As any intelligent 25 year old would do, I decided to spend the entire week drinking the absolute cheapest, nastiest, scummiest booze a person can buy. I call this “The Poor Man’s Booze Review”, a critique of the most disgusting shit out there on the market today. I knew this task would require great sacrifice, and incredibly strong fortitude. But since I am a man of the people, I knew it would be worth it; my liver and I decided to accept the challenge.


Like any good scientist, I had to set a number of controls for my experiment. Each drink was consumed in a state of complete soberness, and these reviews are based on only one container being consumed per day. This allowed me to accurately gauge the effects that the different drinks produced. I also made sure to keep careful and detailed notes during my drunken proceedings so that I could effectively blog about them at a later date. I will be giving five different drinks a grade (the teacher in me, I know) based on four distinct categories: Packaging, Taste, Buzz, and Overall Performance. Some other rules I put in place:

1. The product must be limited to one container only (poor people can only afford one of anything at a time, everyone knows that). No six packs or the like.

2. The booze must cost $4 or less (only the bourgeoisie spend more on alcohol)

3. The alcohol must be consumed straight out of the bottle (duh, poor people don’t drink out of cups)

4. You must be able to buy the drink at a gas station (this is where poor people always do their shopping because…everything costs more?)

Okay, let the games begin… Continue reading


Eight Things Drunk People Will Never Admit To



1. Spilling a Drink (as long as no one sees them):

There is some special property of booze that usually guarantees at least one spill of some kind during the evening. We’ve all been there…once the drunken spill has occurred, everyone has the same first move: check for witnesses. If no one saw you and it’s on carpet, not one drunk person on the planet is going to report the infraction. Of course if the spill is discovered, it’s all about plausible deniability. In desperate times when you’ve been cornered as the definite culprit of the strange wet spot on the floor, the veteran drunk will fess up but make the case that it was water.

2. Peeing All Over the Toilet:

I don’t know what it is, but for some reason alcohol has the unfortunate side effect of causing guys to pee everywhere on the toilet except in it. I hope you enjoy those valuable two seconds you are saving by refusing to aim for the bowl. Believe me, there’s nothing that I love more than cleaning up other people’s pee caked on my toilet. Girls are not immune to this necessarily; they treat the bathroom nicely under normal circumstances, but if it’s a party or a public restroom, the girls can be just as bad as the boys.

3. How Drunk They Are:

I love listening to a drunk person try to persuade someone else that they aren’t intoxicated. It’s about as convincing as a Prom Promise signed by Miley Cyrus. If the drunk is insisting on driving home for some reason, it’s just best to convince them to stay for one more beer/shot, which will give you ample time to steal their keys and wait for them to pass out on your couch.

4. Sending Texts to the Ex:

When text messaging was invented, drunk dialers around the world rejoiced. No longer were they required to leave the room to make their regretful phone calls, drawing the ire of their friends and missing out on all the fun. Now the party can continue unabated while the drunk gets to text “I miss u <insert gag-inducing pet name>” to their ex. When called out, the drunk will become very defensive and make a lame attempt to lie about it, and then mysteriously “call it a night” exactly twelve minutes later. Continue reading

The Tale of Willard, and His Epic Thursday Evening as a Werewolf Crack Monster


[names have been changed to protect the innocent, otherwise this story is true and the following emails were written by the author of the post. –PutUpYourDukes]

On Fri, Jul 25, 2008 at 11:50 AM, Jam Boy wrote:
The Tale begins one Thursday evening.

The lights are dim, and I am returning from a bar shift in browntown. I can hear a voice saying something that sounds like a cuss word, or possibly a slur aimed directly at me. From out of the shadows pops none other than Willard, pupils wider than his sockets can fit and a jawline that looks like it can grind diamonds.
Continue reading

Hangover, I Want To Kill You


Take a look at this photograph and study it very carefully. No, I didn’t say stare at her sideboob, I said to study the picture. At first glance, you are probably thinking, “Dear God, that girl must have it pretty bad.” I want to agree with you. She has no shirt on, and is passed out on a table in someone’s backyard with beer bottles strewn all about. The sad thing is that I actually envy her at the moment. How could that be, you ask? Because while she is obviously experiencing a serious hangover, at least she is STILL ASLEEP. Continue reading