POSTED BY: Bowzer
The story is always the same when you meet the most amazing girl in the world. She walked in the room, and even though just looking at how beautiful she was made you nervous, you knew you had to talk to her. Three drinks and an hour later, it slowly dawns on you that this angel with the aqua blue eyes and the incredible smile is actually digging you. And not in that “I’m wasted, and I’m clearly going to fuck you” kind of way, either. I’m talking about an immediate connection that is electric, full of hope and fear and dizziness and excitement in such a way that you know your life will never be the same. This is how meeting a future girlfriend works; she will always feel like the most amazing girl in the world. Even though it ends up being wrong every time (so far), part of being a human being is accepting the illusion.
Inevitably you start dating, and everything is just dandy. Bar attendance plummets, odds of watching “Grey’s Anatomy” increase exponentially, and your friends will grow increasingly worried about who is really in possession of your balls. You and the girl will spend outrageous amounts of time watching movies, constantly hearing about her period, going out to eat, driving her around, listening to the minute details of every one of her godforsaken days, and just generally being completely up each others asses. Every relationship has its apex, it’s only sad that we never get to recognize and appreciate it until the slope of our love curve changes to negative. Whether your relationship ends suddenly, or whether it dies a slow and painful death, the end result is the same: BREAKUP.
Now you could try to be a mature person about the breakup, but we all know how completely unrealistic that is. Look at it this way: was the Soviet Union still cool with the Nazis after Hitler broke their peace treaty and attacked the Russians? Hell no, the breaking of a treaty (or a long-term relationship) clearly means war. After the breakup has commenced, any remaining loyalties should be considered useless. If love is a battlefield, then the breakup is the decisive battle, motherfucker (Samuel Jackson voice). Here’s how to win it: Continue reading
POSTED BY: Bowzer
Now is the time to strike.
The post Election Day climate in this country is a unique and fascinating thing that I’m glad I only have to relive once every four years. That last month leading up to the election is pretty intense: attack ads flying multiple times every commercial break, non-stop cable news coverage, political debates amongst everyone (even those that normally couldn’t care less about politics). The tension and hatred between the supporters of Democrats and Republicans really reaches a tipping point by the time Election Day rolls around. It’s a recipe for a tremendous uplifting feeling of joy for the winners, and a bitter cold emotional letdown for the losers.
There is no better time to bang a Republican girl than in the next week or so. Anyone who has seen Wedding Crashers learned from Will Ferrell’s character that the total money spot for picking up chicks is at a funeral. The pain, the sorrow, that frozen feeling of empty in the pit of your soul; these are feelings that I equate with the loss of a loved one or the defeat of your party in a presidential election. What this means is that essentially there are millions of Republican girls out there that are emotionally ripe for a lay. These are girls, mind you, that will be totally willing to dress up as Sarah Palin before fucking you. Do not underestimate the value of this.
That conservative girl at the bar that just passes your minumum Area Code threshold is much like a wounded antelope in the grasslands of Africa. Like any self-respecting lion, men need to pounce on the kill while the opportunity is there. I don’t want to hear any B.S. about staying loyal to your party’s beliefs, either. The last time I checked, guys will spit ungodly amounts of bullshit to get into a girl’s pants, and this will be no exception. Sex transcends all party lines, at least on the path between the bar and the bedroom. Here’s how you are going to star in your own version of “Nailin’ Palin:”
Three of these girls are clearly attention cravers. Can you guess who they are?
Everybody knows the type: “Ooohh my God, OMFG, I am a girl, hear me roar about things that are cliché, typical, and over talked about. Because I am a girl and because I always talk in this curt, opinionated tone, everyone will listen to what I say, even if I don’t have a clue how to say it. I don’t have to be pleasant or thoughtful or a nice person in general, as long as I am dramatic about everything. People will think that my stubbornness and otherwise generally negative outlook on everything is cute and poignant. I will always take the point of view that is easiest to defend, and I will back it up to a fault. Maybe one day I will grow out of this, but not right now…shit, not any time soon. I’m having too much fun annoying the crap out of everyone.”
Attention cravers are a very real problem in this day and age. They will find fault in everything and complain or comment about anything, just so long as it evokes a response from someone else. Here are a few buzz kills to look out for: Continue reading
POSTED BY: Bowzer
The AIM profile is a dying art. In this day and age of facebook and myspace, there isn’t much of an incentive to invest all kinds of time in creating a unique AIM profile. I try to keep mine short and sweet: the link to my blog, list of sports teams I support, where I went to school, and a little shout out to where I live. I would say my AIM profile is pretty typical of most other guys my age in its lack of insight into who I really am as a person. I often find that girls’ profiles on AIM, on the other hand, seem to make a more concerted effort at individuality. The sad truth to the matter, however, is that every girl’s AIM profile is exactly the same. Be on the lookout for these indispensable elements of a woman’s AIM profile: Continue reading