Everybody knows the type: “Ooohh my God, OMFG, I am a girl, hear me roar about things that are cliché, typical, and over talked about. Because I am a girl and because I always talk in this curt, opinionated tone, everyone will listen to what I say, even if I don’t have a clue how to say it. I don’t have to be pleasant or thoughtful or a nice person in general, as long as I am dramatic about everything. People will think that my stubbornness and otherwise generally negative outlook on everything is cute and poignant. I will always take the point of view that is easiest to defend, and I will back it up to a fault. Maybe one day I will grow out of this, but not right now…shit, not any time soon. I’m having too much fun annoying the crap out of everyone.”
Attention cravers are a very real problem in this day and age. They will find fault in everything and complain or comment about anything, just so long as it evokes a response from someone else. Here are a few buzz kills to look out for:
The Light Weight:
“Holy shit, it’s FRIDAY. I have been working all week, annoying all of my coworkers and surfing the internet in my cubicle. I totally deserve to get WASTED!!”
This is the girl who seems to have no regard for her own limits, as far as drinking goes. She sees no problem going to the club and spending 200 dollars on fruity shots that she is going to barf up in your car on the way home. Try and suggest slowing down a little? She will just drink faster, because you don’t control her, Goddammit. She is way too mature to drink only two or three shots and then switch to beer. Tonight is her night, and she has the right to make an ass of herself.
Men, have fun watching the rest of your night unravel before your eyes. You should probably just leave as soon as she yells in broken, drunk English to her friends, “Who wants RED-HEADED SLUTS!?!?!?!?!” I’m sure someone responsible will give her a ride home.
“OMG, today I was at the mall, and Banana Republic had like the exact coat I have been looking for. I was a little upset when I saw that it was 1,400 bucks, but I had a coupon for 0.8 percent off, so it was a total steal!!”
This is the girl who is in a relationship with a poor sap who is constantly forced to go to the mall with her. He is also expected to buy her presents on random, made up holidays. I.e. The day that we got the dog: our Doggie Anniversary. She constantly buys Gucci wallets, and Steve Maddens shoes, and Coach and Dooney and Burke purses, even though she can’t afford it. Her credit card bills are out of control, but it’s alright because everyone will see her new bag and it will be totally hip at the club on Friday, until she drinks too many apple martini’s and throws up in it (see the light weight).
Do yourself a favor guys, and set some limits before you and your girlfriend find yourselves on a FreeCreditReport.com commercial.
The Anti-Boyfriend Girlfriend:
“Oh he is such a jerk. Friday night we were totally were supposed to go to the mall and then to the Melting Pot (see the shopper). It was our 37th month anniversary and I was waiting at his apartment for 2 hours and he never showed up. He just went out and got drunk with his buddies again. I have like absolutely had it…”
This is the girl who is in a committed relationship with someone you’ve never met. Maybe you know her from work, or from class, or maybe she’s just a friend of a friend that hangs around way too much. She constantly gripes and complains about her significant other and it makes you want to leave whatever room that she is in. However, she WILL NOT break up with him, because she is just getting way too much attention bitching about him. This particular type of girl becomes especially infuriating if she is somewhat attractive. Usually in this situation there is a group of guys that she will incessantly confide in, and they will listen intently for the chance to be next in line. Sadly, they will never have that chance. Her boyfriend could cheat on her with a stripper that he invited to her house on Friday, and she would just complain about it to her girlfriends, and continue to nag him on Saturday.
Fellas, if you think you are in this situation, you should just break up with her yourself. It’s only going to get worse before it gets better, because she’s going to stick it out until one of the two of you is committed. Conversely, if you are one of the confidants, punch yourself in the face a few times, and move on, chump.
The Agitated Caller:
Her: “What’s going on?”
Him: “Not too much, just working on this paper. I’m still coming over in a couple hours.”
Her: “Oh ok.” (Pause for 30 seconds)
Him: Well, I guess I’ll finish this up and be over in a bit??”
Her: “FINE! I guess I’ll just sit here and wait on you AGAIN! I spend all my time trying to talk to you, but you never have anything to say. I’m so sick of it.”
This type of girl wants to call and listen to you breathe on the phone. That’s it. She has nothing to say. She doesn’t really know why she called, she just did. She expects you to say something, though that’s really as far as she’s gotten. Because she doesn’t know what she wants you to say, she will get mad as soon as you say it. Then, when you see that things have taken an annoying turn for the worst, you try to end the conversation, which only makes her angrier.
There is no winning this fight for attention. It is the most irrational and therefore the most difficult to curb. You might as well just throw your damn phone in the toilet and go to the bar.
“I don’t believe in creationism; all humans evolved from monkeys. The capital of California is Los Angeles. I got a B+ in GHIST 225.”
This is the girl that conforms to and defends points of view that are popular, or just completely wrong, but has no idea how to summarize her beliefs for someone who is interested to know how she feels or what she thinks. This inability to relay her opinions manifests itself in a defensive style of debating (about absolutely anything) that makes her look completely incompetent, though she’ll never admit it.
In exemplum, during a conversation about our government, a girl at my office last year in Gainesville, Virginia told me that The House of Representatives has two spokespersons from each state, and the Senate is made up of representatives based on the population of each state. I tried to explain in a helpful manner that she was wrong, and she just had the idea flip-flopped, but there was no talking to her:
“I went to Longwood (OHHH BOY, I’m sure you’ll get a job on Capitol Hill) and studied political science for four years, and you’re going to tell me that I’m wrong about this??? What was your major???”
In conclusion, I want to assert that this is not a jab at girls in general, just the ones that irk the shit out of me on a day-to-day basis. You, collectively, are the reason that stereotypes are formed. Your loud, obnoxious, fruity-shot-taking, J. Crew shopping, irrational fight picking, argumentative ways are not cute or attractive. They will not help you get boys, they will not improve doomed relationships, and they will not make others take your points to heart. Please, if you’re a girl that has any of these types of personalities, stop it. Please just stop it, before people’s heads start exploding.
Readers, what other categories did I miss? Let me know what you think.