Republican Girls are Ripe for the Banging


Now is the time to strike.

Now is the time to strike.

The post Election Day climate in this country is a unique and fascinating thing that I’m glad I only have to relive once every four years. That last month leading up to the election is pretty intense: attack ads flying multiple times every commercial break, non-stop cable news coverage, political debates amongst everyone (even those that normally couldn’t care less about politics). The tension and hatred between the supporters of Democrats and Republicans really reaches a tipping point by the time Election Day rolls around. It’s a recipe for a tremendous uplifting feeling of joy for the winners, and a bitter cold emotional letdown for the losers. 

There is no better time to bang a Republican girl than in the next week or so. Anyone who has seen Wedding Crashers learned from Will Ferrell’s character that the total money spot for picking up chicks is at a funeral. The pain, the sorrow,  that frozen feeling of empty in the pit of your soul; these are feelings that I equate with the loss of a loved one or the defeat of your party in a presidential election. What this means is that essentially there are millions of Republican girls out there that are emotionally ripe for a lay. These are girls, mind you, that will be totally willing to dress up as Sarah Palin before fucking you. Do not underestimate the value of this.

That conservative girl at the bar that just passes your minumum Area Code threshold is much like a wounded antelope in the grasslands of Africa. Like any self-respecting lion, men need to pounce on the kill while the opportunity is there. I don’t want to hear any B.S. about staying loyal to your party’s beliefs, either. The last time I checked, guys will spit ungodly amounts of bullshit to get into a girl’s pants, and this will be no exception. Sex transcends all party lines, at least on the path between the bar and the bedroom. Here’s how you are going to star in your own version of “Nailin’ Palin:”

  • The first task you have is to figure out which girls are the Republicans. While this may seem like a difficult task, it’s actually much easier than you think. Just walk up to her and after figuring out your in, say to her, “Can you believe that Obama won?” As long as you add the emphasis in a neutral manner, her reaction will be a dead giveaway.
  • The next step is to determine how political this girl is, as your approach will vary depending upon the answer. Her response to the Obama question should tell you whether she’s a diehard neo-con or whether she’s just regurgitating what the money machine (i.e. Daddy) has been telling her. If she knows what she’s talking about, then you need to use the phrases “Ronald Reagan,” “pork-barrel spending,” and “the evils of socialism” as frequently as possible. Also, slip in a “trickle-down economics” sex joke to let her know that you mean business. If she’s just some dumb girl that voted for McCain for god knows what reason, then congratulations, because this is going to be a cakewalk. Just use the words, “Obama,” “terrorist,” and “9/11” in the same sentence and you will captivate any uninformed Republican.
  • Once you’ve gotten through all of the usual small talk that Republicans engage in about the laziness of the poor and such, you will need to make a power move to seal the deal. Here is where you really need to exploit the post-election vulnerability in the Republican girl. Play to her emotional side by lamenting how painful and difficult the next four years are going to be. You have to imagine that you are gaming a girl that just got out of a relationship with her boyfriend, as your approach will be quite similar. You are the one and only vessel that can navigate her out of the depths of despair. You want your Republican girl to feel like you are the Karl Rove to her George W. Something as simple as a personal invitation to come back to your place and read Drudge Report could go a long way.
  • Now that you’ve talked her into coming home with you, make sure to rip out an Obama yard sign on the way back for dramatic effect. This is what we in the industry call “the clincher.” Once she’s in the door, grab a couple of drinks and make a toast to 2012 as you look deep into her eyes and give her your best “maverick” face. I think I can leave the steps that will inevitably follow up to you. Just make sure you leave Fox News on while you bang, it’ll keep her coming back.

Guys, now is the time to put aside our partisan differences, and come together as countrymen. Whether you are a Democrat, Republican, or Independent, we need to extend our hands across party lines and do what’s best for this nation: give these Republican women the rogering that they truly deserve. Our window of opportunity is limited, as the sting of McCain’s loss will begin to wear off in about a week or so. And then you may never get that unforgettable opportunity to screw a girl in a Palin costume.



16 responses to “Republican Girls are Ripe for the Banging

  1. Hahaha ripping an Obama sign out of the yard.

  2. When you were writing this, you had me in the back of your mind, didn’t you?

    I don’t mean that in a perverted way, like you were imagining me… eh..

    I just meant because I’m a Republican ! Screw you guys.

  3. @Abby

    Admit it…you love to leave Fox News on while you bang.

  4. @ Bowz –

    Well, I do have Fox News on in the background about 80% of my day, BUT I can’t admit that because :
    1. I haven’t had sex in a year – my hubby is in Iraq.
    2. Our sex is pretty stuck in the bedroom because of the kiddo. No TV in there.

    BUT – if there were a TV in the bedroom AND my husband was home….. then yes, we would have sex w/ Fox News on in the background surely at least once!


  5. To Bowzer: your just another uneducated stupid radical liberal Anti-America Obama loving terrorist’s and gay’s supporting moron.

    “If she’s just some dumb girl that voted for McCain for god knows what reason, then congratulations, because this is going to be a cakewalk. Just use the words, “Obama,” “terrorist,” and “9/11″ in the same sentence and you will captivate any uninformed Republican.”

    There is enough overwhelming documented evidence regarding the Anti-American looser president elect that it will become evident to all those walking blind idiot Americans that voted for Obama when he fails and he will and soon.

    Obama couldn’t lead a troop of Girl Scouts out of a paper sack without talking to 300 advisers on how to do it first.

    Abby – we love you! You go girl!

    Fear not true Americans as we will come through for you yet again when the country needs us as we have been preparing for this for a long time. There are far more of us then there are of them and they will loose when the war begins.

    They do not have the sand it takes to fight for America as they do not believe in America. If only we could make an example of them like the Ancient Romans did of their enemies. Their enemies ran in fear when they saw with their own eyes what happens when you defy the flag, the country, the soldiers that defend her, the idea of America, wear the flag like clothing then stomp on it and burn it and spit on those whom defend it.

    Hey Abby – ever notice a liberals true face always shows when we disagree with they’re ways or speak the truth about there terrorist loving, anti-American, wasn’t born in America, socialist loving, won’t salute the flag, won’t use the Bible to take an oath on, couldn’t speak intelligently or give a speech worth listening too president elect Nobama.

    They always respond with a violent tone followed by threats followed by violence itself. Simply because we disagree. Now that’s mature!

    But that’s ok there are plenty of trees left in the world to make crosses to do the job or we can simply employ cowboy justice. 🙂

    Watch as there future ends!

  6. @Patriots

    I have no idea what I said to make you like me so much. I’m guessing it’s because I said I am a Republican, and I am, but I don’t hate the guys at PUYD. They’re okay, as far as liberals go!
    Also – the comment you left on my blog saying :

    “Just wanted to say we like what you said in the Christian section of WordPress about the gay’s protesting at a church and interrupting their worship. You go girl!”

    was deleted because I never posted anything of the sort in the Christian section of anything. I’m not even a Christian. Thanks though?

  7. @thepatriots1776
    WTF?! you are totally insane. this was a HUMOR piece. sorry you didn’t think it was funny. this really isn’t a blog for discussing politics per se, we just try to have a good time here.

    “They always respond with a violent tone followed by threats followed by violence itself. Simply because we disagree. Now that’s mature!”

    This statement follows the paragraph where you mention we should “make an example” of the liberals using violence as the Romans did with their enemies. Aaaaand the pot has officially called the kettle black.

    You sir, are a complete douche bag. Abby and myself lie on different ends of the political spectrum, and we recognize that we have different ideas. BIG FUCKING DEAL. we’re all human beings here; it’s radicals like you that give your party a bad name (just as radical liberals give the Dems a bad name). all of this anti-american bullshit is so far off the deep end I don’t even know where to begin.

  8. @Bowz –

    I guess he thought he was sticking up for me or something. Like I took offense to your blog. Lol! Also, I guess that because I am a Republican that I’m a gay-hating Christian. Not everyone fits the mold.

  9. Interesting post. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to take advantage of the Republican sorrow. There aren’t any in Madison.

  10. @patriot

    -these ignorant, gay-loving, terrorist, liberals and their left sided agenda sickens the shit outta me and us true americans

    -one day we will drive our hummers into their fucking cities and shoot them all down with our m14s and convert their kids into true american christians.

    GO DEMOCRACY!!!!!!

  11. Hilarious post! Full of great info!

  12. @ Patriots,

    First, if you’re going to be a douchebag and try and call someone out, you CANNOT have spelling and grammatical errors. Lose, as in not win, has one o, fuckwad.

    Also, you should really try to get a better grasp on they’re vs. their. I think we learned that shit in like, 2nd grade.

    Lastly, don’t be upset just because you’ve tried all of these techniques on the republican girls in your business frat at Liberty University, or whatever shitty school it is that you attend. The deck is stacked against you my man. Republican chicks dig liberal guys, even when the elephants are in power. Why do you think Abby likes us so much??

    Do yourself a favor and start paying for women now. It’s really the only chance that you have.

  13. yo his website is ridiculous. sometimes i feel like these radical elephants are gonna start a civil war

  14. @Jmu –

    Abby likes you guys so much cause we tend to avoid actually discussing the issues. The closest we come to discussing politics is when I say I’m R and you say you’re D. As long as you guys don’t start spouting liberal propaganda, we’re pals!
    Oh – and you’re funny!

  15. @Maverick
    haha I know, thepatriots1776’s website makes Rush Limbaugh look like a liberal. Some people be crazy.

  16. This is a misogynistic blog.

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