POSTED BY: Bowzer
The post Election Day climate in this country is a unique and fascinating thing that I’m glad I only have to relive once every four years. That last month leading up to the election is pretty intense: attack ads flying multiple times every commercial break, non-stop cable news coverage, political debates amongst everyone (even those that normally couldn’t care less about politics). The tension and hatred between the supporters of Democrats and Republicans really reaches a tipping point by the time Election Day rolls around. It’s a recipe for a tremendous uplifting feeling of joy for the winners, and a bitter cold emotional letdown for the losers.
There is no better time to bang a Republican girl than in the next week or so. Anyone who has seen Wedding Crashers learned from Will Ferrell’s character that the total money spot for picking up chicks is at a funeral. The pain, the sorrow, that frozen feeling of empty in the pit of your soul; these are feelings that I equate with the loss of a loved one or the defeat of your party in a presidential election. What this means is that essentially there are millions of Republican girls out there that are emotionally ripe for a lay. These are girls, mind you, that will be totally willing to dress up as Sarah Palin before fucking you. Do not underestimate the value of this.
That conservative girl at the bar that just passes your minumum Area Code threshold is much like a wounded antelope in the grasslands of Africa. Like any self-respecting lion, men need to pounce on the kill while the opportunity is there. I don’t want to hear any B.S. about staying loyal to your party’s beliefs, either. The last time I checked, guys will spit ungodly amounts of bullshit to get into a girl’s pants, and this will be no exception. Sex transcends all party lines, at least on the path between the bar and the bedroom. Here’s how you are going to star in your own version of “Nailin’ Palin:”
- The first task you have is to figure out which girls are the Republicans. While this may seem like a difficult task, it’s actually much easier than you think. Just walk up to her and after figuring out your in, say to her, “Can you believe that Obama won?” As long as you add the emphasis in a neutral manner, her reaction will be a dead giveaway.
- The next step is to determine how political this girl is, as your approach will vary depending upon the answer. Her response to the Obama question should tell you whether she’s a diehard neo-con or whether she’s just regurgitating what the money machine (i.e. Daddy) has been telling her. If she knows what she’s talking about, then you need to use the phrases “Ronald Reagan,” “pork-barrel spending,” and “the evils of socialism” as frequently as possible. Also, slip in a “trickle-down economics” sex joke to let her know that you mean business. If she’s just some dumb girl that voted for McCain for god knows what reason, then congratulations, because this is going to be a cakewalk. Just use the words, “Obama,” “terrorist,” and “9/11” in the same sentence and you will captivate any uninformed Republican.
- Once you’ve gotten through all of the usual small talk that Republicans engage in about the laziness of the poor and such, you will need to make a power move to seal the deal. Here is where you really need to exploit the post-election vulnerability in the Republican girl. Play to her emotional side by lamenting how painful and difficult the next four years are going to be. You have to imagine that you are gaming a girl that just got out of a relationship with her boyfriend, as your approach will be quite similar. You are the one and only vessel that can navigate her out of the depths of despair. You want your Republican girl to feel like you are the Karl Rove to her George W. Something as simple as a personal invitation to come back to your place and read Drudge Report could go a long way.
- Now that you’ve talked her into coming home with you, make sure to rip out an Obama yard sign on the way back for dramatic effect. This is what we in the industry call “the clincher.” Once she’s in the door, grab a couple of drinks and make a toast to 2012 as you look deep into her eyes and give her your best “maverick” face. I think I can leave the steps that will inevitably follow up to you. Just make sure you leave Fox News on while you bang, it’ll keep her coming back.
Guys, now is the time to put aside our partisan differences, and come together as countrymen. Whether you are a Democrat, Republican, or Independent, we need to extend our hands across party lines and do what’s best for this nation: give these Republican women the rogering that they truly deserve. Our window of opportunity is limited, as the sting of McCain’s loss will begin to wear off in about a week or so. And then you may never get that unforgettable opportunity to screw a girl in a Palin costume.