Eight Things Drunk People Will Never Admit To



1. Spilling a Drink (as long as no one sees them):

There is some special property of booze that usually guarantees at least one spill of some kind during the evening. We’ve all been there…once the drunken spill has occurred, everyone has the same first move: check for witnesses. If no one saw you and it’s on carpet, not one drunk person on the planet is going to report the infraction. Of course if the spill is discovered, it’s all about plausible deniability. In desperate times when you’ve been cornered as the definite culprit of the strange wet spot on the floor, the veteran drunk will fess up but make the case that it was water.

2. Peeing All Over the Toilet:

I don’t know what it is, but for some reason alcohol has the unfortunate side effect of causing guys to pee everywhere on the toilet except in it. I hope you enjoy those valuable two seconds you are saving by refusing to aim for the bowl. Believe me, there’s nothing that I love more than cleaning up other people’s pee caked on my toilet. Girls are not immune to this necessarily; they treat the bathroom nicely under normal circumstances, but if it’s a party or a public restroom, the girls can be just as bad as the boys.

3. How Drunk They Are:

I love listening to a drunk person try to persuade someone else that they aren’t intoxicated. It’s about as convincing as a Prom Promise signed by Miley Cyrus. If the drunk is insisting on driving home for some reason, it’s just best to convince them to stay for one more beer/shot, which will give you ample time to steal their keys and wait for them to pass out on your couch.

4. Sending Texts to the Ex:

When text messaging was invented, drunk dialers around the world rejoiced. No longer were they required to leave the room to make their regretful phone calls, drawing the ire of their friends and missing out on all the fun. Now the party can continue unabated while the drunk gets to text “I miss u <insert gag-inducing pet name>” to their ex. When called out, the drunk will become very defensive and make a lame attempt to lie about it, and then mysteriously “call it a night” exactly twelve minutes later.

5. Eating Random Food From Your Kitchen:

Not one person who drinks can tell me that they haven’t raided the kitchen of someone they didn’t know on the late night at some party. What’s really funny is that what gets eaten is largely a function of how much time the drunk has before somebody spots them. If I’m shitfaced and the host goes to the bathroom, I’m rifling through the cabinet hoping I find a bag of Doritos that I can take a ridicuolously sized handful of and quickly stuff into my mouth. If the host has gone to play cards in the other room, then I am totally microwaving your Outback leftovers with absolutely zero sense of guilt. When confronted about the theft of your cuisine, I will blatantly deny it as I drunkenly lick the last remnants of your Bloomin’ Onion off of my fingers.

6. The Imminent Swamp Donkey Hook Up

You all know exactly what I’m talking about. Maybe you got caught up at the beer pong table for thirty minutes, leaving your wingman on their own for a bit. The next thing you know, your friend has his hand on the fattest girl in the room’s ass. The drunken denial in this situation is extremely powerful. A drunk guy could have his hand up the skirt of a 304 while concurrently looking at me in the face and telling me there is no way he is going to hook up with her. It’s a desperate last-ditch effort to save face, even though the drunk knows full well what is going to happen. In this situation, it is always more entertaining to “agree,” and then sit back and laugh as you watch your drunk friend suck face with Swamp Thing five minutes later.

7. The Plans They Are Making For Tomorrow Morning Will Never Happen:

I have never really understood this phenomenon, but it seems as if the drunker you are, the earlier you make plans with someone for the next day. What’s really funny is that not only is there a plan to wake up at some ungodly hour, but it ALWAYS involves McDonald’s breakfast followed by some outrageous physical activity like hiking or raquetball. I’ve noticed that when two drunk people make plans, there is almost never any follow-up with it the next day. Both parties see the futility of the situation and don’t bother to discuss it.

8. Being Wrong

All I have to say is thank fucking god for the internet and laptops, because I’m fairly certain they prevent 37,000 drunken fights per year. The rule for drunken arguments is this: the more petty the disagreement, the more heated it will become. Once the “answer box” (i.e. laptop with internet access) has proven one party wrong, the drunk will mutter a string of obscenities followed by a lame attempt to question the validity of the source. Popular examples include “anyone can write anything on Wikipedia, you can’t even cite it in a paper” and “and what year is that data from?”



21 responses to “Eight Things Drunk People Will Never Admit To

  1. Aaah, so true, so true… I’ve seen so many of these happen XD.
    The only thing I don’t agree on is the spilling the drink thing. In my experience, the sloppier drunks tend to apologize loudly for about twenty minutes while trying to mop up the spill with their shirt [or face] which everyone around is either laughing or saying “It’s fine, leave it.”

  2. @slightlyignorant
    you are entirely correct…IF the spill has witnesses. i still maintain that if no one is around to see it, it’s not getting cleaned up.

  3. My husband is the master of #3. In Austin, on 6th St (Jmu knows what I’m talking about), we have had many drunken arguments over how he’s not even drunk yet – when I can hardly understand him and he’s been drinking for 5 hours. Some have even included him running away from me and hiding in bars. Even a gay bar once.

  4. #5 : the ultimate score of drunk yum yums at a rando party = meatballs; this should have been noted

  5. @E Dub
    I was thinking about the meatball incident specifically when writing #5. that was surely the pièce de résistance of random drunken food scores.

    If my future wife catches me in a gay bar, I hope I have a better excuse than “I’m hiding from you”.

  6. Pingback: Texting… « Theyounglife’s Weblog

  7. @ Bowz –
    He knew I wouldn’t look for him in there. He was SO right. Anyway, those were the olden days. Lol!

  8. I, (burp) resemble, (belch) that remark. and another ting………I wa yeah


  9. Bowz, what about “Having No Admirable Dancing Skills”? I’ve seen this more than once at 12:45am- after 5 rounds with Jose Cuervo, someone hits the dance floor and thinks they’re suddenly part of the cast of You Got Served. (sidenote: I didn’t see this movie, but I know Bowzer did) In reality, it’s more like watching a Richard Simmons workout video: spastic and scares women.

  10. first of all… you should be proud that I have gone to your post on my own :)…second my favorite part is about DORITOS and McDonalds breakfast. I think that there are some things that are so YOU when your drunk lol

  11. @GirlTalk
    So true! The guy in question is usually breaking a serious sweat and has that “I am oh so cool” look in his eyes. He will also unbutton his shirt a few notches (while dancing, of course). The best part is to watch as he tries to shimmy up to girls, and they politely dance themselves to the other side of the room.

    Me personally, I just use the only two dance moves I know: bump and grind, baby.

    Welcome to the party 🙂 I think we both know that being drunk and attacking a bag of Doritos is so YOU. In the post I probably should have brought up the Hansel & Gretel trail of chip crumbs that inevitably follows the drunk’s kitchen raid.

  12. “Me personally, I just use the only two dance moves I know: bump and grind, baby.”

    Hahahahahaha.. I don’t know you personally but you don’t strike me as someone this would work for. 🙂

  13. Pingback: Quote! « 4am

  14. I guess admitting that they are drunk would fall under number 8. When I was in college in New Orleans (I KNOW.), my nickname was “I’m FIIIIIINNNE,” because I could be puking my guts out in the ladies and if someone asked, “Are you drunk?” I’d say, “I’m fiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnneeeeeeee.” in between heaves. No wonder so many boys took me home to their mommas! Yeah, that didn’t happen.

  15. Hey Bowz. Where ya been? I just got done moving back to TX. Hi Jmu!!! I logged on hoping that there would be a blog from one of you guys waiting for my eyes, but I guess I am just gonna be disappointed!! 😥

  16. #7 is the best one lol

  17. Carlotta Chintz

    hahahahahahah. I love it! Been there, done that. So, so unfortunately true.

  18. #5
    I have a tendency to go straight for the Reddi-Whip can.

    If any of you have ever had me at your house and later discovered that your aerosol whipped cream lacks the gas charge… I’m almost positive that it wasn’t me… and I probably didn’t know you at the time.

    /not sorry

  19. Those Outback leftovers were fucking delicious.

  20. @Donk
    the whipped cream is the perfect crime: quick, easy to consume, and nearly impossible for the host to detect afterward unless you kill the can.

    wait…are you eating the whipped cream or just huffing the nitrous out of it? since you’re a cvillain, I’m going to guess the latter…

  21. N2O.
    Whipped cream has never given me a 6 month long headache.

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