POSTED BY: Bowzer
1. Spilling a Drink (as long as no one sees them):
There is some special property of booze that usually guarantees at least one spill of some kind during the evening. We’ve all been there…once the drunken spill has occurred, everyone has the same first move: check for witnesses. If no one saw you and it’s on carpet, not one drunk person on the planet is going to report the infraction. Of course if the spill is discovered, it’s all about plausible deniability. In desperate times when you’ve been cornered as the definite culprit of the strange wet spot on the floor, the veteran drunk will fess up but make the case that it was water.
2. Peeing All Over the Toilet:
I don’t know what it is, but for some reason alcohol has the unfortunate side effect of causing guys to pee everywhere on the toilet except in it. I hope you enjoy those valuable two seconds you are saving by refusing to aim for the bowl. Believe me, there’s nothing that I love more than cleaning up other people’s pee caked on my toilet. Girls are not immune to this necessarily; they treat the bathroom nicely under normal circumstances, but if it’s a party or a public restroom, the girls can be just as bad as the boys.
3. How Drunk They Are:
I love listening to a drunk person try to persuade someone else that they aren’t intoxicated. It’s about as convincing as a Prom Promise signed by Miley Cyrus. If the drunk is insisting on driving home for some reason, it’s just best to convince them to stay for one more beer/shot, which will give you ample time to steal their keys and wait for them to pass out on your couch.
4. Sending Texts to the Ex:
When text messaging was invented, drunk dialers around the world rejoiced. No longer were they required to leave the room to make their regretful phone calls, drawing the ire of their friends and missing out on all the fun. Now the party can continue unabated while the drunk gets to text “I miss u <insert gag-inducing pet name>” to their ex. When called out, the drunk will become very defensive and make a lame attempt to lie about it, and then mysteriously “call it a night” exactly twelve minutes later.
5. Eating Random Food From Your Kitchen:
Not one person who drinks can tell me that they haven’t raided the kitchen of someone they didn’t know on the late night at some party. What’s really funny is that what gets eaten is largely a function of how much time the drunk has before somebody spots them. If I’m shitfaced and the host goes to the bathroom, I’m rifling through the cabinet hoping I find a bag of Doritos that I can take a ridicuolously sized handful of and quickly stuff into my mouth. If the host has gone to play cards in the other room, then I am totally microwaving your Outback leftovers with absolutely zero sense of guilt. When confronted about the theft of your cuisine, I will blatantly deny it as I drunkenly lick the last remnants of your Bloomin’ Onion off of my fingers.
6. The Imminent Swamp Donkey Hook Up
You all know exactly what I’m talking about. Maybe you got caught up at the beer pong table for thirty minutes, leaving your wingman on their own for a bit. The next thing you know, your friend has his hand on the fattest girl in the room’s ass. The drunken denial in this situation is extremely powerful. A drunk guy could have his hand up the skirt of a 304 while concurrently looking at me in the face and telling me there is no way he is going to hook up with her. It’s a desperate last-ditch effort to save face, even though the drunk knows full well what is going to happen. In this situation, it is always more entertaining to “agree,” and then sit back and laugh as you watch your drunk friend suck face with Swamp Thing five minutes later.
7. The Plans They Are Making For Tomorrow Morning Will Never Happen:
I have never really understood this phenomenon, but it seems as if the drunker you are, the earlier you make plans with someone for the next day. What’s really funny is that not only is there a plan to wake up at some ungodly hour, but it ALWAYS involves McDonald’s breakfast followed by some outrageous physical activity like hiking or raquetball. I’ve noticed that when two drunk people make plans, there is almost never any follow-up with it the next day. Both parties see the futility of the situation and don’t bother to discuss it.
8. Being Wrong
All I have to say is thank fucking god for the internet and laptops, because I’m fairly certain they prevent 37,000 drunken fights per year. The rule for drunken arguments is this: the more petty the disagreement, the more heated it will become. Once the “answer box” (i.e. laptop with internet access) has proven one party wrong, the drunk will mutter a string of obscenities followed by a lame attempt to question the validity of the source. Popular examples include “anyone can write anything on Wikipedia, you can’t even cite it in a paper” and “and what year is that data from?”