Tag Archives: love

How to Win the Breakup


break-upThe story is always the same when you meet the most amazing girl in the world. She walked in the room, and even though just looking at how beautiful she was made you nervous, you knew you had to talk to her. Three drinks and an hour later, it slowly dawns on you that this angel with the aqua blue eyes and the incredible smile is actually digging you. And not in that “I’m wasted, and I’m clearly going to fuck you” kind of way, either. I’m talking about an immediate connection that is electric, full of hope and fear and dizziness and excitement in such a way that you know your life will never be the same. This is how meeting a future girlfriend works; she will always feel like the most amazing girl in the world. Even though it ends up being wrong every time (so far), part of being a human being is accepting the illusion.

Inevitably you start dating, and everything is just dandy. Bar attendance plummets, odds of watching “Grey’s Anatomy” increase exponentially, and your friends will grow increasingly worried about who is really in possession of your balls. You and the girl will spend outrageous amounts of time watching movies, constantly hearing about her period, going out to eat, driving her around, listening to the minute details of every one of her godforsaken days, and just generally being completely up each others asses. Every relationship has its apex, it’s only sad that we never get to recognize and appreciate it until the slope of our love curve changes to negative. Whether your relationship ends suddenly, or whether it dies a slow and painful death, the end result is the same: BREAKUP.

Now you could try to be a mature person about the breakup, but we all know how completely unrealistic that is. Look at it this way: was the Soviet Union still cool with the Nazis after Hitler broke their peace treaty and attacked the Russians? Hell no, the breaking of a treaty (or a long-term relationship) clearly means war. After the breakup has commenced, any remaining loyalties should be considered useless. If love is a battlefield, then the breakup is the decisive battle, motherfucker (Samuel Jackson voice). Here’s how to win it: Continue reading


My Favorite Saved by the Bell Episode of All Time


If you ask any twenty-something what their favorite TV shows were as a kid, nearly 100% of all respondents will include Saved by the Bell on their list. When I think about the cast of that show, I learned so much from each of them during my childhood. Kelly Kapowski was my first crush, and she set the expectations for my first girlfriend way too high. Jessie Spano taught me at a very young age that chicks can be a lot to put with, and yet you will do it anyway just to have a girl at the end of the day/episode. Zach Morris was pretty much my fucking idol. Screech Powers showed me that sometimes nerds can actually bring something to the table. A.C. Slater trained me in the art of sitting backwards in a chair to look cool. Lisa Turtle made me realize the importance of being really good friends with rich people. And I know for a fact that every single one of you was dissapointed as shit when you started 9th grade and found out that high school in real life was NOTHING like life at Bayside High.

There are so many classic episodes of Saved by the Bell that it’s tough to choose just one as my favorite. However, to me one episode has always stood out in my mind: “The Last Dance.” Continue reading