The Area Code Rating System: Why 1-10 Just Isn’t Enough

POSTED BY: Bowzer

I figured I would share a little piece of wisdom that I picked up at the bar this past weekend. I only wish that I could take the credit for such a revolutionary idea, one that I predict will turn the people rating system industry on its axis.

So we’ve all been there, guys and gals. You’re standing there at the bar, and all of the sudden a member of the opposite sex walks in that you have never met. Immediately you turn to your group of friends, and what do you do? Only the most completely superficial thing known to mankind: reduce that person’s aggregate self-worth to a number between 1-10.

Now we all know the inherent problems with the traditional 1-10 rating system. Sure it’s simple, but how do you come up with one number to describe the intricate differences between various people? Surely not all 7’s or 8’s or 9’s are created equal. While some people utilize the decimal system to help with this problem, it just isn’t enough. Now let me introduce you to the area code system.

Okay, here is how it works. Every human being on the planet can be adequately described using a three-digit number (i.e. area code). The first digit denotes the rating of how attractive the face is (0-9). The second digit describes whether you would sleep with that person or not (0=no, 1=yes). And finally, the third digit describes how attractive the person’s body is (0-9). It’s a discrete and yet simple way to judge others in public without actually meeting them. Lets put this brand new rating system into practice, ladies and gentlemen, using celebrities that we are all familiar with:

Sarah Jessica Parker

Sarah Jessica Parker

Area Code Rating: 518

Rationale: Let’s be real, the huge nose and that mole just aren’t helping out her face’s cause. But her body is admittedly nice, and I’m pretty sure I could talk other girls into riding the tricycle with me and SJP just because she was on Sex and the City.

Anna Nicole Smith

Anna Nicole Smith

Area Code Rating: 813

Rationale: First of all, it’s been long enough, I’m allowed to make fun of her. Secondly, in her playmate days, Anna Nicole Smith was hands down a 919. But anyone who watched the Anna Nicole Show knew she eventually ballooned to walrus proportions. I gave her a second digit “1” for the fact that if she was still alive she would be a great hookup for painkillers.

Kate Hudson

Area Code Rating: 919

Rationale: She is the hottest girl on the planet. This is essentially the same person as goldenlocks [Editor's Note - goldenlocks was a guest author on this site who is no longer with us. He was a dude with long, blonde hair] except female, attractive, down-to-earth, and not heading to rehab anytime soon. Please note that a 919 is “Kate Hudson hot.” Please only reserve this rating for girls that truly deserve it. So yeah, that swamp donkey sitting in the corner of the bar that you think is “kinda sorta cute” at closing time after too many pints? NOT a 919.

Rosie O'Donnell

Rosie O'Donnell

Area Code Rating: 000

Rationale: Ummm, I think we all understand the area code rating system by now.

87 responses to “The Area Code Rating System: Why 1-10 Just Isn’t Enough

  1. Pingback: Song of the Week 3/4 | My Music Reviews

  2. This was a great read, and truly enlightening! lol

    Thanks for a new way to rate.

  3. I propose an extension to the area code system.

    The middle digit should also have a “3” denoting a person you would probably sleep with if drunk.

  4. lmao, 000 for the fatty

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  6. wouldnt that be a “2” if drunk?

  7. For added fun:
    Look up what parts of the US these area code correspond to and call the girls by the close by cities (i.e. 919 = Raleigh, 201 = Jersey City)

    Add two more digits for Tits and Ass to make a zip code. Above method can still apply.

    You’ll soon realize that only the middle number really matters and revert back to the classic “Would you?”

  8. @pood: Javakilla is obviously drunk right now.

  9. You have to rate face and body at least a 2, because 202 is the lowest-numbered area code.

    Please hang up and try your ratings again.

    –Alex

  10. I honestly think that Sarah Jessica Parker has the best-looking face AND body out of those four. My verdict:
    718, 305, 617, 202

  11. Hmm…. except Kate Hudson isn’t that hot.

  12. cannotfindserver07

    Interesting.

  13. Flabber Ghast

    @Martin: So you’re into bestiality, then.

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  15. Was it ever considered appropriate to say “these go up to eleven” on the old system?

    *waves magical wand and disappears*

    …hey…I just noticed that “disappears” has the word “pears” in it. Now I’m hungry. :'(

  16. Jimmy James III

    The middle number should scale, too. As we all know, someone we might not boink at say- 5, actually has a chance in a perfect storm of a dry spell, a BAC of .2, and a slight dip in self esteem.

  17. Sarah Jessica Parker. Anyone else here thinks she looks like a man?

    I could write a paper on our unconcious homosexual tendencies perhaps?

  18. The ratings system is flawed for the real man. Real men fuck em all.

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  20. My friend actually taught me something similar my senior year of college.

    Instead of area codes, we would do years (four numbers).

    First number: yes or no
    Second number: face
    Third number: body
    Fourth number: intangibles (personality, smarts, etc)

    You could also throw in some funny historical wit like “roaring 20s girl” (1920, f***able, great face, bad body, horrible personality)…etc. This one’s more fun =)

  21. Larry Johnston

    Sarah Jessica Parker? 001

  22. Nice coding system. Discrete, simple and effective.

  23. As someone who lives in the 919 area code, I can undeniably say that someone’s actual area code has no correlation to the person’s attractiveness area code.

  24. OMG, Rosie??!

    Can one not perhaps use negatives as well? Giving her a 000 is just no good, -10-10-10 would make me way less anxious :P

  25. The best thing is a concept of a ten under your system. “010”

  26. Interesting! I learn something new here — Cool!

  27. me and my mates use a simple integer scale: the number assigned designates the number of pints of human semen that would be drunk in order to secure unconditional sex with the woman in question

  28. There are three types of attractiveness: beauty, cuteness, and sexiness that are all individual, and could be ranked separately.

    If they are in the order, then:
    Angelina Jolie 10-4-10
    Kate Hudson 7-9-7
    Megan Fox 6-6-11
    Sarah Jessica Parker 4-2-5
    Hayden Panettiere 9-10-6
    and the one that makes this interesting
    Sandra Bernhart 0-0-5

    Though I do like the binary do or no do.

  29. Let me tell you something, dude. If you sit around giving scores on women who look like this, you are the problem – not the fix.

  30. Seems a bit inflated: Are there 909 or 010 people? Why not just use face & body rating and independently keep a minimum for both to sleep with that person? E.g., at the beginning of an evening, one might say: “Tonight, I would go as low as 55.”.

  31. You could also add an uncertainty factor as to how much you now about the two components (higher is more unsure):

    person in burka: 5-5-9-10
    naked person with paper bag over head: 5-y-10-0
    person in baggy cloase: x-5-1-9
    stark naked person: x-y-0-0
    stark naked person in pitch black darkness: 5-5-10-10
    stark naked persion in pitch black darkness with who you have bodily contact: 5-y-10-4

    and so on

    (where x and y depend on what the person actually looks like)

  32. Hmmm… could there be such a thing as a 909??

    Maybe Carmen Elektra??

    No… I still think I’d take a run at her.

  33. Thats thinking outside the box. Can’t wait to put this code into use!

  34. Hey, yes – this question was answered.

    909 = AIDS.

  35. haha now that is a neat code! I totally agree though lol, SJP’s face kinda ruins the rest of it.

  36. I’d change the middle digit to be how many drinks it would take before you would consider sleeping with the person.

    Hence a 909 would be perfect, while 999 would take care of the AIDS case.

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  38. @Jojoo: You are correct sir. Her face is identical to former presidential candidate John Kerry. Also, its really long and shit like the standard model for a typical alien.

  39. Pingback: CO-ED Magazine » 919 Is The New Perfect 10

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  41. I notice that none of you guys even thought about the option a number for personality

  42. Awesome. Just awesome.

  43. I love it. Simple yet discreet.

    I love it that a teacher is still using their brain even in the summer.

  44. ANS=813, an 8, seriously! Her face is @&$&%#. I’d be scared that she would eat me.

  45. Wow. This gives that Ludacris song a whole new meaning that is still entirely appropriate. My cellphones gone overload!

    Drew Barrymore = 616

  46. I prefer the

    -10-10 scale. A negative -1 through -10 gives ratings a nuance I enjoy. Including decimals is an added benefit.

    A simple boolean for whether you’d sleep with a female, IMHO, is not adequate enough.

    Nice try.

  47. OMG! I laughed until i cried and I love the area code system. My Beau and I sat around rating people who walked by at the coffee shop we were at when we read this.

  48. I’m a masseuse and my potential clients sometimes want to know what I look like before they make an appointment – forget about what the massage is going to be like. When they pitch up they’ve often got all manner of vile stuff about their physical persons. Just as well women are not so judgemental or guys would never get off the starting blocks.

  49. susie: “I notice that none of you guys even thought about the option a number for personality.”

    What are you talking about? Kevin up there did just that.

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  55. Ok i’ll rate myself 323 but if we are going to do ZIP code can we include something about penis to equal the tit thing for women? BTW SWM will take any unwanted rejects LOL

  56. I like the revision to the typical 1-10 rating, but the bottom line is “look, she’s hot!” That’s pretty much all you need — essentially, it’s not a three- or four-digit number, it’s a yes or no. And if you turn to look that’s almost a yes right there and then.

    BTW, while I dig Kate Hudson and really like her personality-wise, she’s far from the hottest woman on the planet — her boobs go inward, Chief.

    Do the names Carolina Ardohain, Adriana Lima or Megan Fox ring a bell?

    I think Kate’s great and I would love to kick back and hang out with her, but when most American men have bigger boobs than her, that “hottest woman on the planet” thing is a tad much.

    However, in keeping with my personal yes/no revision to the 10-scale, she’s definitely a Yes (and I know she now breathes easier tonight ;-)

  57. Ugly Because I'm Average

    You men are truly sad…insulting and rejecting women who would never give you the time of day anyway. Grow the f@$& up.

  58. PutUpYourDukes

    @Ugly Because I’m Average:

    Just so you know, This is a site that welcomes both male and female readers. I think if you read the comments above you there are other women who actually enjoyed Bowzer’s article. As always, you are entitled to your opinion.

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  60. @Ugly Because I’m Average c/o PutUpYourDukes:

    Patty, maybe UBIA would like to hear about the Swamp Donkey, Slam Pig, Punch Monkey rating system??

    I bet she’s a Swamp Donkey…

  61. Dugg for Rosie = 000 … nice!

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  63. this is great… swamp donkey lol

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  66. Not bad I’ve been using this rating since playing pro hockey in 2001… I got a email telling me to check it out, very suprised to see this online. Now i hang with a pretty crazy group of friends and its all about going out and partying hard and pickin up girls… we added to this system over the years and its just with the middle number….
    0 – does not exsist… we give 010 ratings its just funny
    1 – the obvious
    2- anal
    4- you would do drugs with her ( for the sketchy looking girls)
    8- you wouldn’t wanna do it alone
    9- puncher her in the face

    A few things you can’t be too generous but you do have to know the difference between a average girl and a ugly one…. another thing is there no such thing as a 10 1 10 brutal and 919’s aren’t givin out generously i’ve only seen a handful of them in the 10 yrs weve been doing this…. plus we have another game called the tic game… its a pretty fun one too….

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  70. Fantastic and adopted.

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  72. I would like to propose a slight amendment to this awesome system of yours. I think the second digit should be 0-2, 0 denoting “would not sleep with”, 1 denoting “would sleep with”, and 2 denoting “undecided.”

  73. you should probably all start practicing suckikng you own dick. good luck assholes.

  74. Is this rating system going to extend to men, also? Is it possible that the men who sit around rating women in this way are so underhung that they couldn’t get laid if they were a egg?

  75. Are You F*****G kidding me? An empty glass could not be more shallow. The brain power spent on this type of “Serious” world fixing is so beyond the scope of human ability. I am sure you all think you are 929’s, but on the human scale, -9-9-9. Just another thought on numbers you may employee. HAND.

  76. 919 is definitely stretching it with kate hudson. maybe a 718 but definitely not a 919

  77. Kate is a Gorgeous lady.

  78. All you women who think that this is dumb and shallow need to relax!
    First of all, when we go out to bars we judge the guys too, maybe not with numbers like these guys, but it still happens. Let the boys have their fun.
    P.S. Kate Hudson is beautiful.

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  83. The South Park guys already nailed the reality about Sarah Jessica Parker:

    http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SJ2cjDwaTsU

    Kate Hudson is okay, never done much for me. I much prefer Kate Beckinsale.

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